You are what you eat…

In what scientists describe as the most important find of the 21st century, a group of Harvard Medical School residents discovered that we eventually ‘become’ what we eat…or…’who’ we eat.  This is especially true for non vegetarians.  3 volunteers were studied for 20 years.  Each of the participants selected an animal that would form the main course of their meals at least 5 times a week.  They then compared visually each of their subjects with the animals they had chosen to eat.  Listed below are the animals and then the people who ate them:

Case 1: Eating Goats –

…the subject was a Muslim man from Indonesia –

Case 2: Eating Pigs –

…the subject was a Chinese man, pig is a staple diet in most of China –

Case 3: Eating Cows –

..the last subject was a Texas woman, downing beef burgers was what she liked a couple of times a day –

Amazingly, the US Govt is strong arming the scientists from publishing the findings.  Says the head scientist, “the study was very conclusive, so much so that the likes of Tyson and other meat producing companies are pressurizing the Govt from releasing this to the public.”


Pranab Mukherjee – Politicians not doing enough to loot common man

Very rarely do we get to see all members of the Lok Sabha sing the same song in synchronism.  The house exulted moans of approval as the finance minister read out his budget 2011 – 2012 when he pointed out that livelihood of Hundreds of NGOs and RTI activists has gone into a disarray as there was a decline of the number of causes for them to fight on an year on year basis.  This was clear by the Govt appointment anti-corruption committee report which discovered that the Govt officials and politicians were losing steam with regards to looting the common man.

Earlier, clever measures such as threats to delay paperwork for basic amenities like gas, electricity and water were employed to wean out a few hundreds from a middle class citizen.  Traffic police played their role in creating enough adventure in the boring everyday lives of an average Indian citizen by extorting good sums for breaking traffic rules.  “There is no such thing as traffic rules in India!” was not a good enough explanation given by a harassed motorist who had been apprehended by a traffic cop and his over-protruding tummy.

Another analyst points out, “overall, the average bureaucrat has gone irresponsible in upholding their trademark bribes.”  He described the major reason for this was that focus has shifted from the common man to the corporations that have done very well in the country ever since India gained prominence in the global scale.


Arranged Marriage to be new weapon for Public Subjugation – MNBC

MNBC, the national news agency reports that the US Government is finally resorting to indirect and direct promulgation of Arranged Marriage among its citizens.  Our special correspondent reported this while the Department of Homeland Security vehemently denied this, although its head, Secretary McLloyd, is already known to make arrangements to get his daughter married to a suitable boy from Austin Texas having a ‘compatible’ family background and, more importantly, having a ‘matching horoscope’  to his daughter.

Fellow Texans are upbeat when asked about this new concept.  Says Mr. Braun, a utilities store owner in Dallas: “Them Indian parents have’d a long history of being nosy about others lives, most definitely their own children.  It is time we start practicing this privilege right here in the US of A, yessir, wooohooo!”  Miss Sheen of the ‘Hog and Dog’ brewery doesn’t have a much different point of view: “So up until this time Indians thought they called the shots on emotional manipulation, mind games and general loathe and abuse upon their near and dears.  Let me tell you, we’ll show ’em how its done right.”

In the meantime, the Indian Ambassador to the US has lodged a formal complaint citing ‘reverse cultural invasion’ though he refrained from elaborating.  An aide in his office seemed to echo the sentiment of all Indians abroad “First they took away Yoga from our great country…now it is Arranged Marriage…tomorrow it will be our Culture, family system, even Infrastructure!!…you tell me?..it is not the way”.


‘Innovation In Terror’ Award to Journalist

Sources confirm that a prominent Terrorist organisation Jeehad-e-Buzdil has decided to confer its highest award given to a civilian to an Indian reporter.

When queried about the significance of the award, Afzal, who is the self appointed spokesman of Jeehad-e-Buzdil, said “Based on the number of votes collected throughout our ever dwindling camps <restrained laughter from Afzal and friends>, I was proud to announce the recipient.  She has helped us in no small terms in our venture in Mumbai last year and our cowardly…I meant daring.. defeat…ahem…excuse me…I meant feat in Kargil enabling us to inflict some more pain on our enemies.”

Afzal pointed out that it was no ordinary task to overcome coordination issues involving all the participating members of his organisation, given that most members are either in hiding or on a constant run.

Halfway through the interview a gun-wielding smallish looking man interrupted Afzal, and the two men got arguing for a while.  Afzal then came back to the interview and amidst apologies said “Ahmed wants to have this reported that he was a nominee of the award and the polls seemed to be rigged, no doubt by the Indian Intelligence agencies.”  The remark followed a satisfied look from Ahmed who then seemed to head back to his game of marbles nearby.

Afzal, knowing that Ahmed was out of the hearing radius then remarked with a wink “Ahmed is a dimwit; he was eliminated in the first round.  He would not even find work in the circus, no matter how much of a freak he looks. Between you and me, he once almost blew himself up in a mission, we are planning to send him onwards to another suicide mission and this time we’ll make sure the bombs work.”  His accomplices smiled and seemed to nod in agreement.